(L-R)Matt Frewer and Jeffery Dean Morgan
Writer: David Hayter, Alex Tse, Dave Gibbons (graphic novel illustrator), Alan Moore (graphic novel writer)
Director: Zack Snyder
Notable actors: Jackie Earle Haley
Allow me to declare myself. I’m a comic book geek of the worst kind – I do not hold myself exclusively to superheroes. So Watchmen, the perfect mixture of classic super-telling and harsh realities of series like Joe Sacco’s autobiographical Palestine, is perfect for me. Just as it is for any other person on this earth happy to proclaim they’re a comic book guy when it’s not cool (ie any decade other than our current one). Which is basically why Watchmen’s such an underground phenomenon. It’s all the fun of masked heroes with some real seriousness thrown in.
And, I am surprised to say, the film adds...nothing. OK, so I lied a bit there, I’m not surprised at all. Even Jon’s giant, blue, glowing cock, of which I’ve heard so much fanfare, was barely glimpsed. When it was it was from afar afar afar, if you get my meaning. The jumps and losses from the novel, even at well over two hours, are very painful indeed. I wonder if one could make sense of the story without the background of reading the strip first.
The other possibility, of course, is that the film makes things far easier to understand, as it isn’t until the last 30 pages of a 400 page graphic novel that the reader feels settled enough to read without interruption from another storyline. Indeed, the perfect parts of Watchmen were little nods to those who had read the book, which would be rather wonderful if those who read the book didn’t make up %99.9 percent of this film’s audience. The other 0.01% were dragged to the cinema by their boyfriends in revenge for always making him sit through rom coms.
To be fair to the film’s makers, Watchmen has been seen as the latest in a small collection of unfilmable written stories since its inception. Its medium is key to its success, and I’m afraid to understand that statement you’ll have to go and read it, as to do so would take up the entire page. Trust me; you’ll be glad of it.
That said, some shots, where the storyboard had evidently been ripped straight from the strip, were gorgeous, giving one a rush unrivalled even by faultless adaptations such as Iron Man. Rorschach was even almost as creepy as he is in his original, although not nearly ugly enough. As beautiful as these moments were, the decision to omit the novel’s subplots to almost entirety is unforgivable, seeing as in replacement all that was received were an abundance of fight scenes.
Well, I hear the cry, what do you expect? There’s a reason the most physical scenes of theatre – those containing violence and/or sex – are so sparsely available, even in a theoretical film about rent boys who are paid in revenge killings. Too much and the excitement is gone. This is exactly what Watchmen suffered from. Hell, even the much worked for climax loses almost all it’s meaning. The fact half the lines were jumbled out of order so some made absolutely no sense didn’t help much either. I honestly needed the book by my side so I could pause the film and check what was going on whenever something didn’t seem right.
The best thing I can say about Watchmen is that if you’ve read the book, seeing the film is mandatory, just so you can appreciate that no matter how hard the cast and crew tried; there is nothing to rival the excellence of Alan Moore. And to think, I live just down the road from him...let’s hope he never finds out I gave in and saw it.
There are reasons some things are unfilmable. Watchmen explains them all.
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