The Kids Are All Right (2010)

(L-R) Annette Bening, Julianne Moore, and Josh Hutcherson rightfully hiding from view

Watch The Kids Are All Right trailer

Writer: Lisa Cholodenko, Stuart Blumberg
Director: Lisa Cholodenko
Notable actors: Kunal Sharma

It’s strange how the films you enjoy least are often the ones there is the most to say about.

The little I had heard of this film, an interview on the radio with Ruffalo and Moore, tuned me out. The mentioned-in-passing plot point of a supposed lesbian having a sex scene with the sperm-donating father of her children made my lip curl in distaste. Never has the line ‘Oscar bait’ been more indicative of anything so pretentiously shameless.

However, the acting had been praised, as it often is in Award-bait movies. I’m studying drama at college and have found myself taking more notice of the skill required, enraptured on the stunned feeling of realising there is no single line or facial expression you yourself would have preformed differently. It's like the initial buzz of cocaine. So, I figured, I’d go for the acting. Plus Mark Ruffalo’s the Hulk. He may be the third Hulk in the recent decade, but he is an Avenger nonetheless, and I’m a Marvel fanatic. (DC sucks*)

I went with high hopes but no expectations, aware of my initial dislike of Another Year earlier in the week. The screening was surprisingly packed for my area, which I put down to the Bait nature of the film. It couldn’t be down to such a generic plot.

As the story unfolded I found myself more and more unimpressed with the fact that this movie took five years to get made. It had been presented to me as some sort of uphill gay rights struggle, but viewing it tells you all you need to know about why it took so long to enter production. The Kids Are All Right, as well as ruining grammar and a Who song, does it’s damnedest to ruin cinema to.

There is not a single scene which feels necessary, from the children's emotionless struggle to meet their biological father, to the scene which causes the son, Laser, to abandon his ‘bad influence’ best friend, Clay. To anyone who’s even heard of Bret Easton Ellis, the naming of this character alone is enough to make you roll your eyes. We're not even five minutes in yet.

OK, so the plot’s mockingly-named twists are damn obvious. The only thing close to a pay-off comes with an ending slightly unexpected, but not enough to make you care remotely about a single character. Only one person in the entire film's likeable – the barely seen male friend of the daughter who had less than ten lines throughout. But this must be down to the incredible acting of the cast, correct?

Not so much. You keep watching, waiting, wondering; trying to work out which moment it is which grabs you by the throat and screams ‘Oscar Bait’. The moment never comes. The attempt, a family-rousing speech courtesy of Julianne Moore, only serves to underline the shocking amount of condescension towards lesbians. The main couple appear isolated from the gay community, knowing only straight people. They watch gay (male) porn while having sex, their children refer to them as ‘The Moms’ and at no point show any embarrassment at having same-sex parents. Not even Clay’s Republican-appearing Dad says a word, which adds to the sheer unrealism of this mess of a movie. 

I’ve not even dared mention the lesbian character who has a sexual affair with a man. When asked by her partner if she is now straight, there is no reply. Most likely because there wasn’t a writer smart enough to give a reason. One word, mate – you do realise bisexual people don’t always settle down in straight relationships, right? No? Oh, OK then. Can’t say I’m surprised.

Despite the fact this giant insult propels a film filled with forced excuses for plot and some of the worst acting seen since the Harry Potter trio were on film one, there’s something yet worse about The Kids Are All Right. It is touted as one for the intelligentsia, one you’ll be proud to boast about down your local, while the other regulars sit in awe at your open mind. Which is pretty good marketing I guess, considering Ruffalo’s part could have been taken by Adam Sandler and nobody would have noticed a difference. Cringe-worthy throughout and unfunny, this is a 21^st century Adam Sandler movie to a t.

Allow me to explain - although the main plot is spurned by artificial insemination, there is a lot of sex. Here are some of the films events, for you to judge for yourself: ‘Dad’ Paul is a womaniser, daughter Joanie has a sex-obsessed friend, Laser holds his Moms’ vibrator (which we saw use of earlier), and of course the main couple's mainly sexual encounters, with both each other and Paul. Make no mistake due to its claimed origins – The Kids Are All Right is a sex comedy which uses crudeness to fill its many silences.

After racking my brains for several days, I finally believe I’ve hit upon a reason this abuse to cinema may be referred to as Oscar Bait. Sad little middle class men who have resolved even their largest problems inside a bubble and see anything outside of their norm as daring and transgressive will, and already have, labeled this film as Oscar Bait.

Take it from someone outside the bubble – this film is trite, trite, utter ruddy trite. Don’t worry about your money, worry about your time. Because it may only be 104 minutes, but The Kids Are All Right sucks your intelligence and your life. By the time you manage to escape the cinema you’ll be shuddering, choking for breath. The entire episode will leave you feeling dirty with disgust. View at your own peril.

*Of course DC has put out some brilliant things over the years, but as a generalisation upon DC’s leading superheros, they do, in my honest opinion, suck.